Narcissa Had Always Wanted A Daughter
by Rayniekinnz
Summary: 'Rodolphus was tired of fighting, Bella just wanted some snake meat and Narcissa had always wanted a daughter.' Crack. Enough said.


**Narcissa Had Always Wanted A Daughter **

It had all started out as a joke – a very, _very_ bad joke. It happened so often that afterwards no-one even remembered who made the initial comment, but that didn't mean they couldn't assign blame when it got really bad.

Wormtail was promptly kicked out and told to think hard about what he had done.

The _happy_ couple, Bella and Rodo, had been having another of their _meaningless_ – quite literally; no-one knew what was going on – lover's spats when suddenly it all went a little askew with one muttered comment from the peanut gallery.

"Well, if you love him so damn much, why don't you marry him?!" Rodolphus screamed, at his breaking point. He was practically swimming on the breakfast table, bacon and eggs flying as he flailed his arms and legs, face crimson with fury as he tried to out-do his wife in acting like a child throwing a tantrum.

"I will!" Bellatrix screeched back, flinging herself onto her feet just as the double-doors to the sun-room opened and poor, _oblivious_ Voldemort strode through, nose buried in some documents detailing their Ministry take-over.

"Why is Wormtail—?"

"My Lord!" Bella shouted, quickly catching his attention. The others cringed, Lucius and Draco openly _oohing_ at her unusual impudence and the angry, narrow-eyed look it got her. She ran across the room, nearly going flying when the edge of her ragged gown caught under her heel, but she righted herself in a move they could only describe as a pirouette and continued, skidding to a halt when they were less than a metre apart.

"Bella?" Voldemort said, voice soft and ominous. "You dare—!"

"My Lord," Bella puffed, cutting him off once more – Lucius giggled involuntarily – quickly and most likely painfully dropping to her knees, bosom bouncing in such a way that had Narcissa slapping a hand over her son's eyes. She clawed at his robes, wrapping her arms around his left leg and looking up hopefully, eyes wide and puppy-like. "My Lord, please marry me!"

Complete. And. Utter. _Silence_.

Wormtail sneezed outside.

"Bella," Voldemort whispered, expression unreadable. He looked up stiffly, eyes flickering from face to face, studying their own horrified/biting-back-inappropriate laughter expressions before looking down again. "I…"

"Say yes, my Lord!" Bella begged, rubbing her cheek on his leg. "I could make you _so_ happy!"

"Oh, there goes another sister," Narcissa murmured unhappily. "Maybe we can have a proper burial for Bella?"

"Poor thing," Lucius agreed. "Of course we can, my dear. 'Here lies Bellatrix; she only wanted some snake mea—'"

Voldemort stopped them all in the tracks, strange, _giggle_-like sounds escaping thin lips as he fanned his face with a hand, cheeks curiously red.

"Bella, this is so sudden…but yes! Yes, yes, _yes_!"

Everyone present promptly fell off their chairs.

Wormtail poked his head around the door, saw the Dark Lord Voldemort being dipped like a Disney princess, Bellatrix Lestrange snogging the life out of him, and quietly closed it again.

Sometimes he wondered about his choice to become a Death Eater.

* * *

><p>"Here comes the bride, here comes the bride," Draco sang sullenly, cheeks bright red as he glared fiercely at anyone who dared to laugh as he flung flower-petals and potato-roots at the guests on either side of the make-shift aisle.<p>

"This is _so_ romantic," Rabastan blubbered, dabbing his eyes as his brother stared incredulously at him. "Their love, finally being acknowledged by the law!"

"That's my ex-wife! We only got divorced an hour ago!"

"Shh!" Narcissa hissed, glaring at them before turning back to waving and cheering as her sister stomped happily towards the alter, her son following at a more reluctant pace. "Doesn't Draco just look adorable in his little dress?" she sighed happily, grabbing the hand of the Death Eater on her other side, who just so happened to be Dolohov. He stared down at her delicate hand, wide-eyed and red-faced.

"He does, doesn't he?" Rabastan cooed, leaning around his brother. "Where did you get such a pretty outfit on such short notice, anyway? The blue really brings out his eyes!"

"Oh, that old thing? I had it made for him for the Yule Ball," Narcissa said, pouting. "Lucius said not to send it, however. I've been waiting to see him in it…"

Everyone quieted down as Bella arrived at the altar, looking _splendid_ in a Transfigured dress that had originally been Narcissa's from her own wedding day. The pearls had been replaced with shrunken skulls and her bosom looked as if it were trying to jump ship, but her hair had been pulled back into an intricate knot and her face painted to emphasise her splendour. She had even squeezed her feet into delicate needle-heeled slippers – after much swearing and threats to cut off certain male_ accessories_.

Lucius cleared his throat, looking vaguely uncomfortable as he was faced with his sister-in-law's ample cleavage, directly in his line of sight as he looked down to read from the book he had found in the library.

"We are gathered here today in the sight of….er, _and_ the presence of friends and loved ones, to celebrate one of life's greatest moments, to give recognition to the worth and beauty of love, and to add our best wishes and blessings to the words which shall unite – er, The Dark Lord V-Voldemort and Bellatrix Black in holy matrimony…"

* * *

><p>"That was a beautiful ceremony!" Rabastan cried, throwing his arms around his ex-sister-in-law.<p>

Bellatrix pat his head obligingly, seemingly uncaring that he was crying into her cleavage. Boobs were magical, after all. Voldemort, however, didn't look impressed at all – more like he was about to whip out his wand and smack a bitch up. Rabastan, that is.

Draco very smartly avoided them altogether, shuffling towards where his mother was sitting under a little umbrella despite the usual cloudy weather.

"Tea and sympathy?" Narcissa cooed, plucking a flower-petal from Draco's hair as he flopped down beside her, before pushing the plate of little cakes towards him. "At least you can go play with your little friends now."

"Mum!" Draco groaned, sliding down in his seat and squeezing his legs together to keep his dress from bunching up. "I'm _fifteen_! I don't _pla_—_oh_, is that chocolate-bubblegum-mint-swirl?"

"Hn, not such a big strong man now are you, eating your little cup-cake…" Narcissa murmured smugly, propping her chin up on a palm.

"Huh? What was that?" Draco asked, blinking wide-eyed at her.

"Oh, nothing," she replied, wetting the tip of her serviette and leaning forward to swipe some icing from his cheek. _Hehehe…_

**Finis**.

* * *

><p><strong>Humorous Death Eaters Challenge! <strong>

**English Idioms Challenge: **4. "Tea and sympathy"


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